I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
this is an emotional support booty call
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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