your thong is hanging out like whoa
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
