He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
