Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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