My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
