yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
