She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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