Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
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