I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
