if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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