I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
