i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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