Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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