dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
