i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
