Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
