the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Damn victory sex feels great
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
