i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
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