Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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