nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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