smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
they're like a gay fantastic four
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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