Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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