I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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