im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
