I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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