I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
