I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize