oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
