i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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