"it" just moved
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
