i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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