She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
