She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
