Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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