Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
