my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
