I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
