My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
