also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
