Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
