I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize