Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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