i think my tv is drunk
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They are going to name an STD after you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
