True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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