some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize