I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
