you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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