I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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