Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
