just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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