Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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