My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
