I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
