I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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