My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
