She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
