have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She even gives head with a lisp.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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