they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
