I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
