I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
