been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You pole danced in your parka.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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