i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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