Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I believe in your delicious
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize