you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
