it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
